i know this shouldn't even matter, but when i went to get riley from megan's this morning she had some dude in bed with her. i think that was officially the first time i have ever wanted to hurt someone...

that's pretty cold.

if she is happy with some other guy, then i couldn't be happier. but to know that i am coming by in the morning, we have to talk about things, and especially if she is wanting me to let her have some money then why would she have some dude in her bed with her. i don't even know what emotion i am feeling right now, but it is so strong i feel like i am going to explode. i'm not jealous, nor do i want to get back together with megan but that really hurt me. i am going to every extreme to keep megan from knowing about my dating life. not because i'm trying to keep things from her, but so i won't hurt her. maybe i shouldn't care. regardlesss of the fact that she has almost everything i own boxed up in her living room, i should just forget about her. forget about being friends with her and just move right along. completely erase her from my mind. it seems really rude, but right now it's the only thing that will take this hurt away. i am so happy without her that even the thought of getting back with her almost makes me sick to my stomach, but even that isn't as bad as what i am feeling now.

things should be looking up; i have a new house that i can move into soon, a great job, wonderful friends, and a dog that i know will love me unconditionally. i just need to give up on finding my bike, get a new one, take care of riley's flea problem, and not focus on other people's feelings anymore. i'm tired of putting so much out there for all my friends when they need me and not having anyone to really comfort me when i am down. it hurts so bad to not have someone i can cry to and just pour out my soul. all these problems i bottle up have finally weighed me down to a point where everything seems so bleak. even in the good times when nothing is bothering me, the thought of constant struggles in life with noone to talk to makes things seem a million times worse. i want someone to understand me. to tell me when i am wrong. to just be honest with me. someone who will challenge me to be the best person i can be. someone who i can compliment as much as i compliement them. i am so tired of having flings or meaningless relationships where some other person and i sit and make nothing more than small talk and everything end up in a bedroom. i want something real. a true connection. something that grows stronger everyday. all this babble is something i need to organize one day and formulate what i am truly looking for. maybe that's my problem; i'm being looking way too hard for something and i don't really know what that something is. rushing around from one feeling to another is nice but feelings don't last. i'm tired of constantly changing feelings.

i think the best thing to do would just try and be single for a while. to really clear my head of all the nonsense stored inside and look to myself. perhaps working out my kinks will help me be more confortable living my life by myself, but i really hope not. i like to think that there is some girl out there good enough for me, at least one who will compliment me well enough that when i get feeling down all i have to do is look in her eyes. that would be nice, wouldnt it... too bad it's not just going to fall in my lap. despite all i may want, i really don't forse that happening though. oh well.