i'm just being honest

aside from waking up at almost 4 in the morning with thoughts that my girlfriend cheated on me coinciding with my dog throwing up, i wouldn't say i am having a "bad" day.

what ever happened to fair and balanced?

in a world where everyone likes to point out the faults of others while wallowing in some self-fabricated sense of "i can do no wrong" i would really like to know where people get off believing the lies they tell themselves. i mean, terms like "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" and "the pot calling the kettle black" used to mean things to people. sure they may just be silly sayings, but to some, to those of us who desired to become more efficient human beings, we took the terms and applied them to our lives. we realized that if we held ourselves to be no better or worse than anyone else, then we couldn't excuse ourselves from bearing the brunt of our unhealthy actions. in other words, if we are all truly equal why are rigged sets of rules and standards applied to one group over the other?
we really should not be so quick to point fingers or judge others when their actions don't fit into our ideas of what should be right or wrong. we need to realize that every person is fallible in almost every circumstance. we constantly fuck up. it is our nature. the only thing we can do about it is accept our faulty actions and try to rise above it all. try to be understanding that in our actions, we hurt others and at least try to make ammends. not out of feeling regretful of our actions, but because other people deserve our apologies. and our most sincere at that. often the ways we react toward others is a byproduct of other people's actions effecting us, and others effecting them, and so on & so forth. therefore, none of us are truly responsible for our actions. the only responsibility lies in forgiving and making sure that devastating line of tearing down and belittling stops with us. knowing that no matter what kind of shit is thrown our way, we can at least humbly offer our attempt at behaving kindly in order to procure more kindness and understanding toward our fellow man.
we need a little understanding in our lives. if we ever want to get along, it is going to take both sides TRYING. just fucking trying. damn it. the theory doesn't seems very difficult to me, but for some reason, it is.
hopefully the ability is within us. for the sake of humanity we need to find it.

no matter how much i want to write in this thing, it is in credibly tedious and typically i get bored with posting before i even make a complete coherent thought.
there are tons of things in my life that happen on a daily basis worthy of blogging about. stupid shit i hear, funny shit i hear, things that piss me off, things that inspire me, fleeting thoughts i have which really should be documented, and dreams so strange and bizarre enough to make Lovecraft get goosebumps. thing is, i find it boring.

i should really work on that, as it would perhaps benefit me to make note of these instances. i mean, it wouldn't be to get attention from others, as i am sure noone ever reads this. but that would probably be a good thing. air it all out and save my thoughts on some server, god knows where, instead of trying to remember this crazy shit day to day.

guess i will work on it.
some other time.

the weekend is finally over after almost 30 hours of work. not a lot went as planned, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. im hoping to pull over 50 hours this week, which would hook me up pretty fat on the 5th. i got riley back from the vet yesterday. he doesn't seem to be irritated by fleas anymore but still scratches occasionally. i figure he still has someflea bites that haven't healed. he seems a lot happier. i know i would be if i finally got some rest after 3 weeks of getting bitten by fleas...

i hope i can get moved into the house this week. it will be so alleviating to have all my stuff squared away and not worry about someone stealing something. i still have yet to see the inside of the house but going off of what i have been hearing it's totally worth while. jim, aaron, and i are going to draw straws or play rock-paper-scissors or something to determine who gets the master bedroom, which makes no difference to me. either way it goes i am going to be really happy.

it started raining again this morning. i really enjoy the rain but hopefully it won't rain 22 days in a row again. it was a bit disheartening being stuck somewhere just because it's raining. i really don't get the weather lately, but what can you do? one hundred degrees and in the middle of a draught one minute then it rains for a month...

i know this shouldn't even matter, but when i went to get riley from megan's this morning she had some dude in bed with her. i think that was officially the first time i have ever wanted to hurt someone...

that's pretty cold.

if she is happy with some other guy, then i couldn't be happier. but to know that i am coming by in the morning, we have to talk about things, and especially if she is wanting me to let her have some money then why would she have some dude in her bed with her. i don't even know what emotion i am feeling right now, but it is so strong i feel like i am going to explode. i'm not jealous, nor do i want to get back together with megan but that really hurt me. i am going to every extreme to keep megan from knowing about my dating life. not because i'm trying to keep things from her, but so i won't hurt her. maybe i shouldn't care. regardlesss of the fact that she has almost everything i own boxed up in her living room, i should just forget about her. forget about being friends with her and just move right along. completely erase her from my mind. it seems really rude, but right now it's the only thing that will take this hurt away. i am so happy without her that even the thought of getting back with her almost makes me sick to my stomach, but even that isn't as bad as what i am feeling now.

things should be looking up; i have a new house that i can move into soon, a great job, wonderful friends, and a dog that i know will love me unconditionally. i just need to give up on finding my bike, get a new one, take care of riley's flea problem, and not focus on other people's feelings anymore. i'm tired of putting so much out there for all my friends when they need me and not having anyone to really comfort me when i am down. it hurts so bad to not have someone i can cry to and just pour out my soul. all these problems i bottle up have finally weighed me down to a point where everything seems so bleak. even in the good times when nothing is bothering me, the thought of constant struggles in life with noone to talk to makes things seem a million times worse. i want someone to understand me. to tell me when i am wrong. to just be honest with me. someone who will challenge me to be the best person i can be. someone who i can compliment as much as i compliement them. i am so tired of having flings or meaningless relationships where some other person and i sit and make nothing more than small talk and everything end up in a bedroom. i want something real. a true connection. something that grows stronger everyday. all this babble is something i need to organize one day and formulate what i am truly looking for. maybe that's my problem; i'm being looking way too hard for something and i don't really know what that something is. rushing around from one feeling to another is nice but feelings don't last. i'm tired of constantly changing feelings.

i think the best thing to do would just try and be single for a while. to really clear my head of all the nonsense stored inside and look to myself. perhaps working out my kinks will help me be more confortable living my life by myself, but i really hope not. i like to think that there is some girl out there good enough for me, at least one who will compliment me well enough that when i get feeling down all i have to do is look in her eyes. that would be nice, wouldnt it... too bad it's not just going to fall in my lap. despite all i may want, i really don't forse that happening though. oh well.

sometimes things don't go according to plan. it's ok really; i know that i am going to remain as happy as possible. through a really shitty week i have managaed to keep my head up. so far, the best remedy seems to be just laughing at the situations immediately and not dwell on anything. all my day to day problems are so minute, but living a life where the here and now plays a bigger role, it's almost like having blinders that keep us from seeing a "big picture." for instance; i filleted my thumb a few days ago, or my bike was stolen, not having a place to live, or having a lot of problems with megan (mainly involving Riley.) it's all making my life seem pretty depressing at the moment. it all clears away the moment i can step back and think that these issues will not be the most important things in the future. 2 months from now i will be dealing with whole new issues and trying just as hard to remain happy. i don't know what it's going to take for me to rearrange my views so that i can look at a bigger picture, but i am most definitely going to try. i am currently working on some goals for my life. i will make a more organized list in the future, but for the sake of getting my writing juices flowing i am going throw a few down right now.

- when jim, aaron, and i get our house i am going to start playing drums again.

- i am not cutting my dreads for at least one year. (time to work through something instead of giving up bc it doesn't come easily)

- once i get moved in and caught up on my bills, i am going to save at least 150 dollars of my checks into my "scooter fund"

- before summer is over, i am going to take a trip to the desert with a few friends and have a "mind cleansing experience."

- read at least one book a month.

-maintain a healthy diet. eventually weed out fast food and mass produced "dogfood" like mac n cheese, ramen noodles, etc. and focus on fresh foods.

i hope that by setting moderately easy goals for myself now, the fact that i am following through with anything should carry over to more longterm goals.


i really just want to become the best person i can be. i am so tired of gathering worthless possessions and wasting my life attaining things that are really of no importance. i am going to start reading more. especially on God, or the spiritual nature of man. i need to put a lot of thought and a lot more work into what i believe. my foundation. i am also hoping this plays a huge role in me being happy.

deep down i get this feeling that i am close to attaining peace within myself. that i am in harmony with life instead of just a dissonant being who chaos to people around me. i want to be happy, and i want to make other people happy. i mean, we are living in a time where the very idea of just being happy has been removed from our way of life. we constanly need something bigger, better, or just newer. none of that matters. we dont need new cars, new houses, an iphone, a 64 inch plasmablahblahblah mctv with satellite internet and 8756645764234 channels to dull our minds. we just need each other. and more importanly, we need ourselves, our minds. we need to take total control of our lives, know who we are, be happy with that and not let anyone ever take that away.



this is just the beginning...